The One Weapon That Will Defeat A Narcissist

“You can never win against me, just give up Booskie” E laughed as he put me in checkmate again, Chess was our night time ritual and as much as I practiced I could not seem to beat him.

“Some day I’ll win, you’ll see.” Even then, in that moment I was speaking more about our life together than a game. I hated the way I always lost to him. My dignity, my sanity, my identity, I was no Queen.

There is one weapon that will defeat any Narcissist, it is the very weapon they try to destroy from their first encounter, first building you up as if you were something so special you wonder how you were deemed so lucky to be in their presence. Then calculatingly they dismantle this weapon. This weapon is self love.

 

I can not tell you why I never truly loved myself but I can tell you that my lack of self love was the very reason I bought into E’s words and actions so easily. I looked at him in the beginning as if he was finally the one who would fill that void inside my very dysfunctional heart. He was not my first Narcissistic encounter, just the worst. He tried harder, played me more efficiently and by the time he was through getting me attached he had a pawn, someone who would have sacrificed anything just to hear one tiny bit of that praise that came so often at the start of the relationship.

 

This is the withholding, they know you are hooked so they know that they can get you to do anything for their attention again.

 

I did not love myself, I loved him and he knew that. He knew I had no self esteem. He used my weaknesses against me at all turns. He insulted the things I was the most vulnerable about, my weight, my parenting, my writing, my photography, my family relationships, my friendships.

 

Little by little I gave up on all I once cared about to become everything to him. I can tell you now that he would not stand a chance with the girl I am now, that very first inclination that he was a horrible person would not have made me want him more or beg to be in his good graces again, it would have made me walk away.

 

The cheating and lying was almost forgiven instantaneously by me because I was always made to feel as if it were my fault. It was either my fault that I was nosey or my fault because I was not giving him what he needed. I believed that then. Now I see how pathetic I reacted but I also see how controlled I was and the reason behind these reactions.

 

I discovered  that to disarm a Narcissist all you had to do is love yourself enough to not tolerate what they do to you. They have no time for strong people, they do not want “true challenges”. Sadly I discovered this only after E was out of my life.  

 

It is sad really, they have no self love either so they have no tolerance for people who can love themselves. It makes them sick, it makes them crazy. Saying no to a Narcissist because you truly believe in your self worth makes their skin crawl.

 

Developing self love is not easy, especially after you have been so abused by such a toxic personality such as a Narcissist but it is doable. I had to re-train my brain to understand that even with all my mistakes and downfalls I was worth something. I began to try to focus on the things I loved, the things that he once had taken from me, my ability to be a good Mother, my photography, my writing, my good relationships. I stopped letting his words be the inner voice that guided me.

 

I had to look around the destruction in my life and center myself and see my own beauty. Maybe I’m not the prettiest, maybe I’m not the most talented but guess what? I am human, I try and I know that I am worth more than the slavery that he demanded from me.

 

This picture I took of my daughter speaks to me, it’s the most beautiful thing I know surrounded by such destruction. I do not see the brokenness, instead I see a beautiful soul looking towards her future.

We have the power to win against these toxic people, it starts with arming yourself with love, a deep, undying love for the person you are, even after all you have been through and after all of the mistakes, YOU are are worthy of more than abuse.